Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Time passes

I am a firm believer that every person I come in contact with has a purpose for me to have met them.  Sometimes we become good friends, sometimes we  become as close as family.  I never assume what the purpose is, I just try to make my impression on their life a positive one.  

However, there is often a person or two that you must at some point part ways with.  This is never easy for me since I always focus on the positive traits of each person that is in my life.  This makes me blind to so much.  Even, at times, ignoring my gut feeling that something is not safe, normal or a positive relationship.  It is hard to move forward or walk away.  I tend to give multiple excuses to hold on.  No matter how toxic it may be.  

With that being said - when it starts affecting my children or my husband - I listen very attentively.  It just sucks when you know that there is good in someone and they just need some professional help.

Over the past 8 months I have tried to stay friends with someone that I had a ton of fun with.  We had similar upbringings and so many interests in common.  We clicked from the moment we talked.  I just didn't realize how toxic it would become.  I have never met someone with such jealousy, hatred, anger and bitterness built up in their heart and soul.  I tried building boundaries and that made it worse.  I tried giving myself space and that made it worse.  Over the period of 4 months I really tried to be patient, accepting, sympathetic and keep the positives of the friendships going.  Little did I know that putting up those walls would create a monster.  If I didn't call daily, didn't include her in every aspect of my life, didn't choose her over my own husband and children, didn't have my world revolve around hers - I would get beat down emotionally.  I knew she needed help - professional help.  She refused when I suggested it gently.  After a period of 3 weeks she escalated to a very aggressive level and I honestly was a bit scared.  She broke one day and it all came out on my oldest child in front of parents at school.

That was the last straw...  at no point should a child ever be involved in an adults conflict.  That day I cut all ties with her.  I told her to never look or speak to my children ever again.  I told her to forget my name and my husbands.  I never felt so relieved to be done with a person EVER!

It has been 3 months that she has not been a part of my life.  However, for some reason, she is still playing games with it.  I just do not know at what point it is going to end.  I pray everyday for her.  I pray she will find peace in her past relationships.  I pray she takes the opportunity to move forward from all the past mistakes.  I pray she can forgive, let the bitterness go and that she seeks help to understand what it means to have a healthy friendship.  

Lately I have been praying that I can finally move forward and not worry about her next move.  I hate living a life where I am worried about her and what she may do toward my children.  I do not care what she says to others about me.  If they know me they know I am not what she makes me out to be.  If people judge me based on her words, shame on them.  I never pass judgement on anyone without basing it on my own experiences with them.  I just do not want my children involved.

I am also saddened by the fact that I lost another good friend because she was forced to pick sides from the toxic one.  :(  I do not know how to reach out to her.. to get past this.. to move forward without having this other person affect our friendship... 

So many questions... so many conflicting emotions... all while time continues to pass...


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