Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Time passes

I am a firm believer that every person I come in contact with has a purpose for me to have met them.  Sometimes we become good friends, sometimes we  become as close as family.  I never assume what the purpose is, I just try to make my impression on their life a positive one.  

However, there is often a person or two that you must at some point part ways with.  This is never easy for me since I always focus on the positive traits of each person that is in my life.  This makes me blind to so much.  Even, at times, ignoring my gut feeling that something is not safe, normal or a positive relationship.  It is hard to move forward or walk away.  I tend to give multiple excuses to hold on.  No matter how toxic it may be.  

With that being said - when it starts affecting my children or my husband - I listen very attentively.  It just sucks when you know that there is good in someone and they just need some professional help.

Over the past 8 months I have tried to stay friends with someone that I had a ton of fun with.  We had similar upbringings and so many interests in common.  We clicked from the moment we talked.  I just didn't realize how toxic it would become.  I have never met someone with such jealousy, hatred, anger and bitterness built up in their heart and soul.  I tried building boundaries and that made it worse.  I tried giving myself space and that made it worse.  Over the period of 4 months I really tried to be patient, accepting, sympathetic and keep the positives of the friendships going.  Little did I know that putting up those walls would create a monster.  If I didn't call daily, didn't include her in every aspect of my life, didn't choose her over my own husband and children, didn't have my world revolve around hers - I would get beat down emotionally.  I knew she needed help - professional help.  She refused when I suggested it gently.  After a period of 3 weeks she escalated to a very aggressive level and I honestly was a bit scared.  She broke one day and it all came out on my oldest child in front of parents at school.

That was the last straw...  at no point should a child ever be involved in an adults conflict.  That day I cut all ties with her.  I told her to never look or speak to my children ever again.  I told her to forget my name and my husbands.  I never felt so relieved to be done with a person EVER!

It has been 3 months that she has not been a part of my life.  However, for some reason, she is still playing games with it.  I just do not know at what point it is going to end.  I pray everyday for her.  I pray she will find peace in her past relationships.  I pray she takes the opportunity to move forward from all the past mistakes.  I pray she can forgive, let the bitterness go and that she seeks help to understand what it means to have a healthy friendship.  

Lately I have been praying that I can finally move forward and not worry about her next move.  I hate living a life where I am worried about her and what she may do toward my children.  I do not care what she says to others about me.  If they know me they know I am not what she makes me out to be.  If people judge me based on her words, shame on them.  I never pass judgement on anyone without basing it on my own experiences with them.  I just do not want my children involved.

I am also saddened by the fact that I lost another good friend because she was forced to pick sides from the toxic one.  :(  I do not know how to reach out to her.. to get past this.. to move forward without having this other person affect our friendship... 

So many questions... so many conflicting emotions... all while time continues to pass...


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

First Day of School

Well the first day of school has come and gone.  Abs is in 5th, Mad is in 2nd and Bean is officially in Kindergarten.  I can't believe how quickly time has gone by now that they are all in real school. :)  

All went well according to the recaps we received yesterday.  Abs is the only one who does not have any new students in her class.  Mad has 2 new boys and Ella has 10 new kids total (not sure what the boy/girl ratio is there).  Abs also started her first sport with school.  She is playing volleyball and had her first practice last night.  She had so much fun and said that she thinks it will be a great experience. :)  I am sure come Tuesday night when she has her first game her anxiety will kick in. 

I did send Bean to daycare for the morning yesterday (she only has class 1/2 days in the afternoon).  A friend started her son at our school and Bean went to daycare to help ease him into the new surroundings.  Bean was so exhausted that she fell asleep at 5:30 last night!  I remember Mad and Abs doing this too the first few days of Kindergarten.  They use their little brains so much that they need to recharge just to eat dinner. ha ha

I was child free for the first time in 8 years for a school day.  It was such a strange feeling.  I did ALL the laundry, cleaned the kitchen better than it has been in years and ate lunch in quiet.  It was an amazingly strange feeling.  The house was too quite at times and my heart miss the chaios.  Even the dogs felt the change because they just followed me around everywhere I went.   

I am looking forward to going back to the classroom next week Tuesday, I really miss those preschoolers.  I can't believe I will have every afternoon open to do as I wish.  Who am I kidding, it will involve getting ready for the upcoming Kid's Rummage at church and purging my house of clutter.  Then it will consist of deep cleaning.  I am expecting this to lead me into December sometime.  Then it will be cleaning up the holiday clutter and onto the next project which will involve painting some rooms.  I am excited about all of it though.  T and I may even have some afternoons to ourselves depending on his work schedule.  OH! I just realized I can do my Christmas shopping without having to hide gifts under coats in the cart so Bean won't see them!!! That is AWESOME!

So, I raise my iced coffee to another great school year, clean houses, to do lists and a nap every now and then! Here is to all you stay at home mom's who have so much to do and never enough hours in the day!  Here is to all you working mom's who manage the house, kids, hubby and life while working!  Here is to all !!!

Lalu More.


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Not a normal summer

I am amazed how quickly time flies by.  We spent a total of almost a month taking care of T's Dad's things.  Getting everything in order, selling all the things none of the family wanted, etc... It has been a long summer full of so many emotions.

In May I came to a point in my friendship with J that it had to end.  It was very bittersweet, because I know that she can be a good person... but I just had to much anxiety over every day things... So many approached me with concerns about her behavior.  When she took the steps in the end of the month and approached Abs about a situation between her and I, it was the last straw.  My life since removing her from it has been so much better.  The huge stress level is gone.  It is hard, but needed.

The rest of the summer was just hanging out.  We have been on such a tight budget that we laid low... lots of park and picnic trips.  I took some great pics of the girls in June as a surprise for T.  He loved them and so do I.  I am going to frame a bunch of them and make a pic wall in the living room.  

School starts for us on Monday already.  I am so excited to get back in the classroom and see the little kids.  I don't start until the 4th of Sept - so I get a whole week without the kids around every day... STRANGE.  I have high hopes of cleaning my house better than it has been in 12 years!  Can't wait.  I will have every afternoon open for 4 hours before they get home.  WOW!

Abs starts school sports this year.  Her first adventure will be volleyball.  Practice already starts on Monday!

I have also decided to start a 365 photo project.. just not sure what the subject is going to be yet.... ideas are openly accepted. LOL